dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
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I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
This fish is cracking me up
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*