The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
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Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn鈥檛 strong enough.
There鈥檚 a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That鈥檚 suspicious
Have sex in the shower? I can鈥檛 even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don鈥檛 fall over.
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
Can鈥檛 afford rent so I started living in the moment.
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley鈥檚 spine like a glowstick
So basically what I鈥檓 saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
me: what鈥檚 your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn鈥檛 know you could do j sounds it actua鈥攊t is jeff
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it鈥檚 a step by step guide.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 馃檪
Me: oh God no
The Mrs: Why haven鈥檛 you done laundry?
Me: I鈥檓 recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I鈥檓 also recycling my excuses
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.