Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
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when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.