My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
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I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
There’s always that one guy
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!