The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
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[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”