Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
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Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
Meeeee too!
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question