When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
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Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life