“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
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I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
SCARY COSTUME
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.