Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
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Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
This is my favorite one of these!
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did