I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
You Might Also Like
Cake!!
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
Battery falling down a hole
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE