the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
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Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
A customer told me they were never coming back….
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
Just ordered me some pizza!
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!