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[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
I put the hot in psychotic.