This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
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Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
sliding into dms like
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
*me flirting
No, YOUR illiterate.
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*