Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
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These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]