i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
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my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now