chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
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[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
Follow me for more recipes
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain