I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
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I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…