Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
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I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
Fidel Castro was alive?
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.