Why soy sad?
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Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
This hospital has everything
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.