Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
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Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it