ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
You Might Also Like
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
True?