‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
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Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month