I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
You Might Also Like
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.