Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
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Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
welp
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?