Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
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I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
There is no “we” in pizza
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.