Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
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US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.