*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
You Might Also Like
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
ok this is my dumbest yet
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.