Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
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Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
choose your fighter
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
Lmfaoooooo
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back