Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
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Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
My work here is done
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys