[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
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In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
Meow
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.