People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
You Might Also Like
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
rich people when they have to pay taxes
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
Bartenders are just boneless bars
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.