Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
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I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes