Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
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E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good