Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
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My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
My favorite type of men is ramen.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.