Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
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In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
A woman drives into a bar.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?