Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
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With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.