can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
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A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens