Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
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[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
Breaking news:
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
the greatest twitter interaction
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land