*aggressively skips to my Lou*
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Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM