If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
You Might Also Like
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
Autocorrect is my menesis
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
Venn
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork