“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
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My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
Same post same
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.