“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
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boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
But is it really??
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?