What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
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[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.