I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
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me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
I think costco should be the next president of the united states