(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
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whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep