HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
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Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
*puts cutlery down*
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet