Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
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“I’d like to speak with a manager”
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.