My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
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I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
You got this…
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”