whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
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torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
Not all heroes wear capes…
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.