*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
You Might Also Like
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.